Your November Horoscope! by Crystal �Kitty� Shimski

Kitty ShimskiTranscribed by guest contributor�Jennifer Coates�/ Kitty divides her time between New York City and Montauk. She is a freelance Intuitive Technique Specialist and part-time Trance Inducer. She was recently certified in Trauma Re-alignment and holds a dual Associates Degree in Breath Dancing for Painters and Creative Shock Control from the Online Academy of Spiritual Transit. She is devoted to helping painters live out their truth on the surface of their choosing.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 �/�Alarming changes are happening not just in the world but in your studio. You are experimenting with a new shade of green and everything is tinged with sickness – but it eerily echoes the sickness of our cultural moment, so great job on channeling �now� into two dimensions on a piece of cloth! Cheers to the impact of painting on reality! Jupiter is passing through your solar first house which probably means nothing, but it could also mean you are more social and you go to an opening this month, get dissed by six different friends in ten minutes and go home with sore feet from ill-fitting new shoes.

You need to develop a relationship with aspects of yourself that you don�t normally hang out with, namely your conscience. Your true inner world is a dusty basement filled with rat traps and roach corpses. Scorpio, I implore you take time out, make a cup of tea, and descend into this putrid damp hole of your own making. Time for an inventory. Who have you hurt without thinking? Who have you bruised with a dismissive comment that you thought passed for humor? Who has suffered from your dehydrated, coffee-tinged breath?

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21 �/�Something major is happening to your spouse, child, your pet, or your plumbing. Whatever it is, it will cost you several thousand dollars and everyone will be angry with you about it, even though you are the only person who ever takes care of anything. But, as Bruce Lee said �showing off is the fool�s idea of glory.� In other news, this is a perfect time for you to consider eliminating gluten from your diet, because your stomach can�t take the stress of so much negativity and your friend told you that their friend told them that you�ll feel better if you go gluten free.

In terms of the studio, you are truly the captain of your own ship. You�ve started standing up while painting instead of sitting down and this has transformed your sense of self, allowing you to achieve oneness with the canvas, and optimum transcendent mobility with the brush. Plus you are burning more calories. You breathe heavily, say �Yes!� to yourself, knowing you are in the zone, creating complex color harmonies and retro-futuristic, cubo-plastic, timely and timeless art that is bound to be written up in all the main publications (except Artforum�thank goodness, right?).

Capricorn 12/22-1/19 /�Contemplating your inadequacies feels impossible for you this month (and most months). However you are the type of person who oozes competence and stylish vibes whether you have showered or not, so you are able get out there, bask in the misconceptions of others and not change a thing about yourself. Jupiter has been helping you succeed in your career, but it�s now leaving to go help one of your friends who you hate on the 10th, so be careful not to get too used to going out to expensive dinners.

What you should get used to instead is the near term extinction of the art world, the electrical grid, democracy, capitalism, the oceans and all complex life on this planet. So make way for more cadmium red and yellow, cobalt blue and flake white! Now you can smear the most toxic colors with your hands, not wash them before eating potato chips, etc. You aren�t going to live long enough for your liver and/or kidneys to suffer any consequences and even if by some mad chance you do, there won�t be any doctors or medicine around to help you! Just you and your paintings, sitting alone in a pool of ionizing radiation, due the ensuing meltdown of nuclear reactors, post-collapse…but I digress. Have a great month!

Aquarius 1/20-2/18 /�You are steadily losing friends and followers on social media. What is going wrong? You swear you don�t over-post, you are funny, generous, politically savvy, woke af, able to parse all the latest fiascos in all your friends� threads with the kind of instant perspective only pundits ought to have and yet here you are, understanding the socio-political landscape and articulating it like a boss, every single day, throughout the day and into the night. You must remind yourself it doesn�t matter what �they� think. You are you! As Charlotte Bronte once wrote in her thriller, Jane Eyre, �I�care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.�

When it comes to your career, as you know, you are overdue for a MAJOR success. If you can refrain from committing suicide between now and the 15th I am telling you now, just be patient for a few more weeks, months or years, and you ARE going to get that museum show and that review in the Times. This time I mean it. Really.

Pisces 2/19-3/20 /�Simply put, you are too intense. Yes, your relationship is in shambles, yes you accidentally killed your pet, yes the universe has thrown at you natural disasters, a sprained wrist, backne, hepatitis C, burning mouth syndrome, restless leg syndrome, heart palpitations, IBS, fear of heights, fear of strangers, fear of dying, fear of living, but you can�t go around whining, complaining and crying all of the time because on top of all this, you will soon lose your friends. Anyways! Jupiter will move into your 9th House of Higher Education on November 10. As I�ve been telling you for years, you need to go back to school and obtain a degree or certification of some kind. Knowledge is power! Get stung by the learning bee!

You are just getting back in the studio after a hiatus of sorts (aka lazy and scared). I am excited for your hands to touch brushes and make magic again, for that�s what you are, Pisces, a magician of the soul, using color and light to remind people of the ephemeral nature of life and the persistence of consciousness in a sentient universe! Amen.

Aries 3/21-4/19 /�You are pining for connection and love and you are sure to get it if you remember to brush your teeth before you leave the house. If you are a man, do not think you can hug women too tightly for too long anymore. The tide is turning against you in these post-everything times and we are sick of your paws and claws on our parts. If you are a woman, Aries, remember to refer to all irritating acts perpetrated by men from now on as sexual harassment. This is part of the project of moving humanity forward: evolving, awakening, and then self-destructing. It would not be a Kitty horoscope if the underside of hypocrisy were not exposed and the immanence of death not mentioned. Kitty is here to keep it real.

Meanwhile, in the studio, your heart is being stirred by the Modernists. You cannot stop thinking of Matisse and Picasso and you are yearning for another time when it seemed like people really cared about painting. You have faith in the hypnotic power of color and line. You are earnest this month, you are a true believer in the picture plane and its ability to reference itself and our place in the cosmos.

Taurus 4/20-5/20 /�Meow! The cat is out of the bag! Your secret is exposed this month, but this will turn out to be a profound blessing. If you no longer want to be with your spouse, they move out, and you will meet someone sexier and more exciting. If you are hoarding hand sanitizer, scotch tape and vitamin b complex, your neighbors will figure it out but you�ll end up flush in the inevitable post-apocalyptic barter system. But we haven�t reached that point yet! So don�t forget about self-care this month, Taurus. You need to maintain an expensive wellness regime in order to feel �centered.� Think creams, saunas, fruit capsules, wild plant pills: you�ll feel energized in a snap.

In the studio, in contrast, you must be strict with yourself. You are too complacent lately and your compositions are lackluster; your palette muddy and grey like our future. It is time to ask your crueler friends over for studio visits. They will help you be more discerning. After all, as Frank Perdue said, �It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.� And that�s what good art is exactly like: tender juicy chicken.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 /�You are laid back and easy-going this month. You take life as it comes and don�t sweat the small stuff. However some people in your life (everyone) see this as undisciplined and are going to be really annoyed with you. The full moon in your friendship sector is simply wreaking havoc, it�s not totally your fault! Wait it out, work on your posture, and I promise you will get invited to abnormally long dinners once more, this is merely a lull in the �action.� Phew, right? Another way to look at it is that you�ll have more time to take on freelance jobs or an adjunct teaching gig in another city. More money means less time in the studio, but at least you won�t have to worry about rent for the next couple of months. Another phew, right?

Creatively speaking, you are making the best work of your life. Your gallery doesn�t answer your emails or take your work to art fairs, but take heart. It�s not just your personal failure, but the failure of capitalism. It�s like finding out you�re dying, but Near Term Human Extinction though, so no biggie! Order some groceries on your phone, make a batch of culturally appropriated chili with unsustainable ingredients, sit back and binge watch Stranger Things!

Cancer 6/21-7/22 /�You have the opportunity to work from home forever, now that you�ve lost your job and can�t afford a studio. Some things to watch out for: weight gain, pressure ulcers, and listlessness from too much sitting. Kitty is here to offer practical solutions! Stand up while you make your drawings, simply move from the table to the kitchen counter. Try pressure hose for your ulcers, they come in an attractive nude hue and will increase your circulation. As for listlessness, simply stop listening to the news. Might I suggest instead podcasts of archived news shows from 2010, 2011?

In terms of your career, there is a cranky Full Moon at the top of your chart. An opportunity you once thought was a dream come true might now feel like an unending, unbearable nightmare.�But don�t worry because you have decided to become more spiritual as a result. You also cultivate a healthy interest in cosmology and discover the universe is only a hologram and we are just code and the real action takes place on its flat surface as interlocking, buzzing spirals, or something like that. Zing! And that�s a win for Cancer with the most zoomed out perspective on life!

Leo 7/23-8/22 /�You are becoming more and more outspoken with your political views. While this is not a bad thing, you have learned that there are more people with opposing opinions than you had ever thought there could be in the art world, including, but not limited to, individuals who have collected your work who are republican. As a result you are carrying around shame which turns into chronic digestive problems, which means lost productivity in the studio, due to so much time spent in the bathroom. Just know YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE. Kitty also has clients with spurious political leanings. It is not a good feeling. But just remember we are all embedded in the same economic matrix with no way out at the moment. So take some Tums and read something just for fun, like�I�m not sure what but I bet someone can think of something fun so just ask around!

What�s great about your life at the moment, Leo, is that you have no financial worries, you are on a roll, career-wise, and your paintings are more ambitious than ever. There is an exciting opportunity coming up with the New Moon. You eat what you want and don�t gain weight due to the aforementioned digestive issues. These are the salad days, so be sure to enjoy each and every bite while they last.

Virgo 8/23-9/22 /�You are swamped with exciting projects, Virgo. You can hardly keep up, let alone enjoy yourself. However, look forward to looking back on this having been the best time of your life. You are traveling and working and being appreciated by almost all, if not all, the people in your life. Try to smile and take it in. After all life is fleeting and passing you by! Remember that your smile, whatever your age, is a great gift to the world so please follow the advice of Christie Brinkley when she says �Smiling releases the same feel-good hormones you get jogging. Caring for your lips and gums is important. I brush my teeth morning and night, alternating toothpaste brands. In addition to flossing, I use a Water Pik to massage my gums and remove food particles.�

When you have returned from your journeys and exhibitions, what you must be on the lookout for is malaise and lack of purpose. You must be on the lookout for your friends and/or spouse taking joy in your dejection. That is why your smile training will continue to come in handy as you hide your true misery and pretend all is still well, looking back on the best times being over. I know you don�t need reminding but there will always be booze waiting to cradle you when you fall!

Libra 9/23-10/22 /�You are a hellion. You are a warrior on a rampage this month. You will not back down from any confrontation or disagreement. Stand up and shine your light, it�s so exciting to behold your brightness, speaking as someone who vehemently disagrees with everything you say. Eye roll. Anyways. The full moon is in your relationship sector and guess what, EVERYTHING SUCKS. Compromise is a word you could stand to learn. At least you have good hair (be it back hair, butt hair, chest hair, or head hair).

Moving forward and assuming you CTFD, you can feel pretty great about your accomplishments in the studio. You are beginning to understand art history in a way that illuminates your practice, you are refining your brutish brushstrokes and you have something to say, not quite a world view, but an idea of the world that could be resonant with at least a handful of others. You are merging the decorative with the disgusting and the response is pretty much positive. When Venus moves into your sign, you will emit more peaceful vibes, people will be able to stand being around you, and a group show might even be in the cards! DREAM BIG!

Related posts:
Conversation: Jennifer Coates and EJ Hauser at PAFA
A brief history of food as art
Interview: Crystal �Kitty� Shimski with Dennis Kardon

One Comment

  1. I will try to hold on until the 15th! These are too funny, thank you for the laughs.

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