Your August Horoscope! by Crystal �Kitty� Shimski

Transcribed by guest contributor Jennifer Coates / Kitty divides her time between New York City and Montauk. She is a freelance Intuitive Technique Specialist and part-time Trance Inducer. She was recently certified in Trauma Re-alignment and holds a dual Associates Degree in Breath Dancing for Painters and Creative Shock Control from the Online Academy of Spiritual Transit. She is devoted to helping painters live out their truth on the surface of their choosing.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Open your heart! To the trauma of reality. This month the universe is committed to getting you to accept the pain and betrayal inherent in artistic practice. However you mustn�t let heartbreak and heartache sully your unrelenting sense of purpose: your work is worth it! If you feel isolated due to psychic nausea, now is a great time to talk to a therapist or maybe just go for a walk: nature is the best source of healing for a mind ravaged with self doubt and a liver over-taxed by cheap wine. You may also need nature to inspire new motifs in your work, your mind is somewhat limited, after all. It is time to push yourself into the dark thickets, get all tangled up and emerge fresher, less boring and less knuckle-headed. At the end of August, Jupiter enters your sign for the first time in 12 years. Get ready for a year of blessings and wonder�or something!

Libra 9/23-10/22
This month is all about re-assessing friendships and connections. Time to prune your friend list on FB and put some distance between yourself and those people who cause dark spirals in your soul. Who are the people who cause insecurity, anxiety, shame and competition? Purge yourself of these unnecessary forces. It�s time for a dose of positivity for once. Smile! Turn inward and focus on your painting. The canvas is the one place where you can control what happens, even if it rarely feels that way. Get to it! There is an advocate or supporter of your work that you are not yet aware of, a guardian angel who will reveal themselves in due time. Just because you can�t see it, doesn�t mean it�s not happening. Magical thinking is your paradigm. Miracles really can happen, even to someone like you.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Your mind is full of irrational strange thoughts that you cannot comprehend. Don�t worry! It�s not a brain tumor. You are inspired by the cosmos with a divine gift that will manifest itself in your paintings. The clarity is not verbal: it will be revealed on the canvas. Smearing is of utmost importance this month and do not be afraid to use unusual implements for applying paint: sticks, your toothbrush, your tush � go for it! Venus is in your career sector in the second half of this month, so expect some exciting news! Fleeting glory will be yours at some point in the near future. It�s also a great time to update your website and remove old embarrassing photos of yourself on FB. Be scrupulous, you never know who is cyber-stalking you. In other news, although you may feel crushed by the weight of a domestic obligation, do not be resentful. Stop whining and be grateful that someone actually wants to be around you, you can be kind of a pain in the ass!

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
This month is about coming to terms with fundamental disagreements. Whether it�s your significant other, your studio mate or your mother, you will face a game-changer, deal-breaker, love-taker type of moment. It�s not going to be fun, but once you�ve decided to either resolve your differences or ghost this person out of your life (yes, you can ghost your mom), you will feel somewhat leavened and your back acne will clear up (for now). After August 11 you will want to put aside most of your free time to get people to like your work. Whatever it takes is what you need to do. Jupiter is going to enter your 10th House of Profession and Success for the first time in 12 years so look out! You will not only fly, you will soar through the artworld skies. You will receive accolades, compliments and invites to after-parties until September of 2016 so relax and enjoy!

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
You must stop ignoring a financial situation that gives you gas. This situation is fixable if you take some over-the-counter medication and just deal with it. Your financial future depends on you taking action, or action will be taken against you. In terms of your studio life, there is joy on the horizon. You are super-connected to your muse and the ideas keep coming, your biggest problem is keeping track of them all. Write everything down, even your most banal dreams: it is all worthwhile content. Don�t be afraid to use black this month! You are in full control of your palette and are not at risk for muddying anything. It�s a miracle: you are experiencing real joy for the first time in decades, possibly your entire life. You may also have the opportunity to travel overseas and have sex with attractive foreigners who will not give you STDs. This is your time to shine!

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
First of all, stop leaving the tops off your paint tubes – it is wasteful. You must also wash your brushes in the evenings, don�t just let them languish in liquids, turning them prematurely to useless, bent, slimy things. Think how you would feel if you were stewing in stained, smelly juices all night, every night. NOT GOOD. It is the simple things that require your attention this month, in order to keep yourself on track. Forget about the meaning of your life: I have news for you. You are but a fleck of dandruff on the scalp of history. Stick to the basics! Brush your teeth and don�t fart on elevators. Your spouse might come around to thinking you are sort of ok by midmonth. It is also possible you may be offered a show in the near future. Jupiter, the planet of abundance, promises semi-positive developments in your career and financial sectors throughout the next year. Cheers!

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Take time out for self-healing this month. Tune into your sense of well-being through soothing music, meditation, massage, hallucinogens: whatever it takes to calm the fuck down. A collaborative relationship turns problematic � be honest with yourself about whether you can continue to work with this person. Jupiter enters your relationship sector for the next year, so expect personal growth and intimacy to flourish. Another byproduct of this rare planetary occurrence is a newfound sense of organization in the studio and keener attention to personal hygiene. You are finally able to keep errant nose hairs in check, as well as your paint in order. You even wash your hands. You are emotionally and creatively open, and people are more drawn to you than ever. Just stop talking so much and you will get everything you ever wanted. Way to go!

Aries 3/21-4/19
While nothing is as it seems and surfaces constantly obscure depths, you must learn to let go of your rampant paranoia and insecurity. You cannot know everything, but you must not let that be an excuse to assume the worst. Things are better than they have ever been! Your poor little brain is used to being oppressed, but you are in a good place and you would do well to appreciate it before the collapse of industrial civilization and you can�t take a bath ever again. Your creative drive kicks into high gear at the end of the month, thanks to a special relationship with your children, your pet or your plants. Without knowing it, they help you to re-connect with your work in the studio after a brief but painful period of horror in the studio. Mars enters your 5th house this month until the end of September so it�s time to party and have a lot of sex. Rock out!

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Get ready for seismic shifts! Your home situation is currently in flux. Venus is traveling retrograde through your 5th House of Domestic Life. Urgent changes are necessary in your home and your family relationships, in order for you to proceed with your paintings. Whether it�s replacing old towels, a fresh paint job, a renovation or kicking someone out of your home, something�s got to give. While you hate change, you know it�s necessary! And you are actually moved to experiment in the studio: new paint, new type of surface�.even new ideas are brewing. Just be careful that your work doesn�t start looking like someone else�s. It�s ok to be influenced but you will look like an ass if you don�t catch yourself. Blessings will come your way if you �keep it real.�

Gemini 5/21-6/20
This is a busy month for you with tumult in your home life, your communication and your stomach. Try not to let your thought patterns get out of control, the situation you are in is demanding enough. Keep your brain a sanctuary of calm in the storm and try antacids for your intestinal burns. Jupiter�s abundance allows your living situation to improve drastically and peace will be yours in the near future. Meanwhile, you have not been painting as much as you would like to, and as soon as the domestic hurdles are crossed, you will be back at it. Take heed of the newness that has found you at home and bring it into the studio. Follow the soothing feelings of Tums as they work on your gut: try to emulate that in your work. Simplify your approach, eliminate harsh transitions, soften your lines, use more pink. You will be happy with the results. I swear!

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Get your finances in order! Or else no more new art supplies for you. Maybe you will learn how to grind pigment from your garbage one day, but in the meantime you need to figure out a reliable income source and get those bills paid. The summer will be over soon and you will be thrown back into the heinousness of every day life. A big anxiety attack is on the menu for you! In other news, you have no shortage of ambition. Your paintings are on fire and you are drawing people to you with your maniacal energy. You may be offered a teaching job or high profile speaking engagement. It is important to keep up your productivity at this time. As for your health, try to pay attention to it for once. Stop eating donuts and/or bacon and/or ice cream every day. You are no spring chicken!

Leo 7/23-8/22
The universe is asking, are you as amazing as you seem? You are at a turning point that will deliver the answer to you once at for all: the answer is YES! You have so many friends and success is all over you like green on jello. August is the month to understand how special you really are, and you won�t even become an arrogant douche, which is super surprising. Stay focused on what you love the most and your life will be pretty much stable over the next year, as Jupiter moves into your 2nd House of Talents and Earned Income. Your paintings will be selling and your work ethic is more disciplined than ever. The only problem, as far as I can see, is your hair and your teeth. So find a good stylist, switch shampoos, go to the dentist and get that sorted out.


This month Readers sent Kitty some poignant questions, and in
addition to doing the horoscopes, Kitty has decided to answer a few letters.

Dear Kitty,
If a twenty-something artist comes to your studio and tells you your work should look more like theirs, are you having a mid-life crisis? And will stretchy Lululemon yoga pants help me be more flexible in the studio.


Dear Joe,
The answer on both counts is yes. Remember that your twenty-something friend simply has not yet submitted to the horrors of reality. Your main comfort is that their payback will eventually come in the form of a saggy butt and face, the lack of understanding of certain pop culture references, not to mention being ignored when there are younger more attractive people standing near them. As for the pants, I wholeheartedly believe in having special costumes for special activities, especially when they are in breathable materials that wick away moisture.

Good luck,

Dear Kitty,
I frequently feel waves of overwhelming sadness and grief. It hits me mostly when I’m at festive events and while visiting museums (the new Whitney in particular). I understand that art is purposeless and that is the wonder of it. Yet this truth makes me want to die.

A Useless Servant

Dear Useless Servant,
My advice to you is to stop going to festive events and museums for a few weeks. Please just take a break from the social spaces that contain art. While they are meant to celebrate art and artists, they often cause senseless rotting in the delicate psyche. This is especially a problem when things aren�t going well in the studio, or you have no time to get there. As for the purposelessness of art, that is simply untrue. The purpose of art is to keep making it so you don�t commit suicide.

Good luck!


Dear Kitty,
I am sure hoping you can help me! You see, I am a nun with the Sisters of Perpetual Sublimation and I have fallen for the exterminator, Bubba, who services the convent twice a month. He dutifully comes and puts roach traps, mousetraps, and those things that plug into the outlets that give off some sort of electronic frequency that keeps vermin away, all over our communal home. I never really paid much attention to him until one morning, as he bent over, his jeans falling to below an appropriate level, and plugged in one of those outlet contraptions. I felt a vibration that went through my virginal body, right to the base of my soul! There was a fierce orange light and I broke out into a heavy sweat. I tell you; I have not felt that way since God himself put a ring on it and decided to marry me when I was sixteen–what I assumed would be my final vows. Anyway, the other sisters don’t know what has gotten into me and I have been pretty good at keeping it to myself during our evenings by the TV watching Jeopardy, but I just don’t know what to do! And now, Sister Hymena has found a rat behind the stove and has asked me to call S. Exterminates, the company where Bubba works, so that they may remove it. What in Heaven’s name shall I do? Do I tell Bubba? Do I tell Mother Superior? Do I leave the convent to live a vermin-free life of sin and debauchery? Help me Kitty!

Yours in Sisterhood,
Sister Frustration

Dear Sister,
What I am going to recommend for you is sex. You are a slut at heart and I fully condone your desires. It is time for you to leave while you are still vital in your bathing suit area; you can bring the rats with you.



Two Coats of Paint is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution – Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. For permission to use content beyond the scope of this license, permission is required.


  1. Steamy! Ok, back to the studio. Thanks Kitty.

  2. Oh wait, is the convent supposed to be 1717 Troutman?

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